The definition of success is not what others perceive it to be; it’s what you believe it to be.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
If you thought Julia and mine's exchange of love letters was exciting, you're going to love the exchange between Nadezhda and myself. This gal has got to be the wildest little thing I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her mastery of the English language is so good, I know I drank at least two kegs of beer responding to her, trying to maintain what little sanity I had left from Julia. Enough about me. Let's get this show rolling! Yep, for the small of $.99, you two can enter the wonderful world of internet dating and decided just how much you really want her keeping you warm at night.
Catfished Again! Jeff and Naughty Nadia's Saga
Catfished Again! Jeff and Naughty Nadia's Saga
Introduction: Is one really necessary? Well, if you missed the first work, “Catfished? Jeff and Julia’s Saga,” I’ll need to lay(pun intended) a little ground work. Back in May I received a thrilling letter from my Turkish Tart, Julia. She swore her undying love for me. Obviously she hasn’t seen me naked. Even I shudder at the thought. Moving on.
After a few months of exciting barbing and innuendos I thought my days of hammering on the keyboard responding to Eastern European women had come to a close. Not so fast.
Instead of running them off, along comes little Nadezhda. She professes to be from the “Motherland.” Who am I to deny her the pleasure of getting to know a true, red-blooded, American male? I knew if I didn’t reply I might damage her delicate psyche and dash her quest for true love. So, being the gentlemen I am, I honored her wishes and started communicating.
This is our compelling love story. WARNING! If you’re looking for a grammatically correct work of art, trust me, this isn’t it. This gal rambles on worse than any woman I’ve ever known and her, or the company she works for, put a spin on the English language that will have professors and teachers looking for a rope, a gun or a high ledge as they attempt to purge their brains of the butchery of our beloved language.
You have been warned.
Dedication: To all my male brethren who still think they will find love seven thousand miles away. Guys, if they can’t spell worth a damn, what in the world are you two going to talk about after knocking her bottom out or taking her around the world twice? That’s right, absolutely nothing!
However, if you’re willing to send a few thousand dollars to the East in hope of finding your true love, remember this, when they get here and learn English, our customs and of course, our laws, it’s game on! And I do mean, Game On! Can anyone say, DIVORCE ATTORNEY?!?!?!
June 16 Nadia
Hello there! How are you? I'm glad that I met you on a dating site and get your responce this evening! I deleted my profile, because i don't like dating sites:) or probably I do something wrong. And I should admit that I feel uncertainty :) But I nevertheless hope that your heart is open for new friends, and I know that right now I must write at least the most important things about myself.
Well, You know, my name is Nadezhda. My height is 169cm (I think it is 5,7 feet). Did you think I am low? Or not))) My weight, if I'm not mistaken - 118 pounds. I'm 28. My birthday is November, 19
<This one is off to a blazing start. She’s not sure about her height or weight, but is convinced she was born on November 19th. If this was baseball, she’d be hitting .333 and well on her way to the HOF>
I was in relationship for 2 years. I have no kids and at present live alone by myself, that means no boyfriend, what is about you?
<Shocking! Living alone means she doesn’t have a boyfriend. This should have made the five o’clock news cast in Moscow>
Now I live in the Russian Federation. But I lived in the Usa Nevada the city of Reno for some time. I trained and worked in a dentist area. I am a dentist.
<Trained in a Dentist area? This one sounds kinky. Looking at her picture, I’m questioning her sincerity. What is she, maybe 22?>
If it is interesting to you, I shall speak more about it.
<Get on with it. I’m dying to hear more.>
I aware that Russia maybe too far away from you, but I think it will not be a barrier.
And probably soon I shall travel again. Now I live in a little town in a central part of Russia, the city of Efremov,Tulsky region. mmm... yes I like to travel. I visited different countries. I shall speak about it later.
<This is the second time she promised to talk about it later. Already trying my patience.>
I think it's great to have some friends who live in the other parts of the world. Do you agree with me?
And I sincerely think that for friendship there are no borders or distances. But enough about it. I feel that I should finish my letter because I even don't know if you are still interested in a dialogue with me or not. I hope you do. But if you have no desire to talk to me anymore, please, at least, write me about it.
I want to ask you some questions. :). Simply I would be glad to know Where you live? where do you work, and do you like your work?
And, in general, what are your interests? It's a banal questions certainly :)
<Got to give this one points for using the word banal. Maybe she doesn’t have relations to Julia?>
But i would like to know more about you. And by the way, I will be glad to have more your pictures! Therefore do not hesitate :) I will write you the day after tomorrow if everything is alright! Hope to see your letter soon !
<What? The Day after Tomorrow? The world will be encased in the next ice-age!>
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!
<Happy what? She must have really tied one on. This has potential.>
June 19 Nadia
Hi !!! It's me Nadezhda.
< Good start. She knows who she is.>
The first thing, I want to do is to say "thank you" for your fast answer!!! :)
It means that your heart is open for new friends:) I think it's Great, because friendship brightens people's life and refreshes souls, doesn't it? That is why I was so glad to see your letter. I am happy to have received the message from the dating site, with your email address from your profile, and have decided to write a letter to you, and I wasn't mistaken.
< She gets points for admitting she’s on a dating site.>
Ok, Probably you have already noticed that I'm not able to keep my emotions inside. :) Of course I am talking about joy, about good mood, about all good and positive things that can be in my soul. I always try to share my joy with other people. I never try to show people that I am grieved or I have some problems. Therefore all people who I work with and communicate are sure that everything in my life is perfect, that I am a happy woman, that I have no disappointments. But unfortunately it is not always true, because when a person is lonely, nothing can cure sadness. And if you ever felt the same, of course you understand what I am speaking about.
Well, I must tell that I try to write in English as good as possible (within my knowledge). I hope you understand all what I write:)
< So far, she’s got Julia beat by a mile.>
I have been already studying English for more than 10 years, but I understand that my English is not quite correct. Therefore I apologize for my mistakes :).
At school I wanted to be a traveler or singer and even finished a musical school. But I sing songs during my life just for myself and do it quite good :) and I play the guitar. do you play any musical instruments or sing? :)
<Sooner or later, I knew if I stuck with one of these gals, I’d be able to help a friend. Hey, Steve, need a backup player for a gig?>
When I finished school I realized that I want to work in a medical field. And after school I entered The Kazan State Medical University (the Dentist faculty).After 7 years of studying there I received an excellent diploma on "Dentist".
<Anyone? Are there Wal-Marts in Russia? Appears they’re having a run in aisle five on Dental Diplomas.>
An excellent diploma is called red in our country. The red diploma is the highest mark at graduating from the university in our country. I have been working as a dentist for 4 years, I like my job in spite of the fact I have to work a lot. Also I have interesting seminar trips to many places. I go there to get my work experience. Once I was offered a training course n Canada, and I agreed. It was a good chance for me to see the world. During the courses in Canada I studied English.
<She’s starting to reach. She’s been studying English for ten years and decides to take more courses in Canada? Perhaps she meant French. No?>
Then I decided to work in English speaking countries. It's a good experience for me. Also it's very interesting.
<I knew it was too good to be true. They don’t speak English in Canada! How shocking!>
After finishing the training courses in Canada I was offered the job in the USA in Nevada. I accepted it with great pleasure.
But half a year ago I returned to Russia. It was necessary to settle some questions.
< I’m sure they were very unsettling questions at that.>
And Now I work in a local clinic in our town. Can you tell me how you chose your job?
Well, what you are looking for in a woman ? Probably you have many female friends in the Internet. :) ..mmm..
< I don’t have the heart to tell her about Julia. Which reminds me, where the hell did that little tart vanish too? Hmm.>
What else to tell you about myself as I have little time.. By the way, I use the computer in the laboratory and work from Monday till Friday. But sometimes on Saturday and Sunday.
< I think it’s a bit early for me to be concerned with her work habits.>
Therefore, maybe I will be able to write letters at weekends, if you want :)
This computer is located in the medical analyses room.
<And we care why?>
Well, now this computer will be used for my dialogue with ! :)
<Repeat above comment. And???>
I think you understood, I'm still single and I have no children. I wanted as well to learn more about your family .I miss my parents too much...
<Anyone out there think she was still single without kids? I was worrying I was being scammed.>
Now I have to go back to work and hope to see you soon.
Have a nice day !
PS. I sent you more pictures. Hope you like it.
I’m guessing she might be of the ripe old age of twenty. I have children older than this.
One CLICK and you can join in on our three month love affair. Catfished Again! Jeff and Naughty Nadia's Saga ONLY $.99!
Monday, December 29, 2014
As if there weren't enough projects on the table, while I was having lunch yesterday, my guest dropped another idea on me. Good Lord! The last thing I need is another WIP.! I could continue to rant about current circumstances or stop whining and post what's been written so far.Yeah. Think I'll opt for the second.
East of Tulsa, Oklahoma
Monday morning 6:30am
God. It’s going to be another hot one. Yesterday’s temp hit 105. Today, the forecast called for 110! The only thing that made it bearable was being paid $12.00. Might not seem like much today but back then, that would buy a month’s worth a fuel and a week’s worth of beer.
Daryl McCall pulled up in the new company pick-up.
“Boys. We’re burning daylight. You guys need to move four thousand yards today and it ain’t happening standing around smoking. So, if you don’t want to find your ass walking down the road, I suggest you get those machines and your asses moving.” He got back in his truck and tore off, in a red cloud of dust.
Micky Rourke, my foreman, took one last drag from his smoke, one more sip of coffee from his tin cup then barked out the day’s orders.
“Jimmy, Ray and Cobb. I want you running the scrapers today.” Each one of them groaned. See, running a scraper is the worse job you could have. Yeah, the money was great, but try spending ten hours looking backwards ninety percent of the time, covered in dust, sweating your balls off. You got it. No fucking fun no matter what it pays. “Billy, Jack and Moe. You three are on the D 9’s. Sam and Willie, you boys get the water trucks. It’s hard enough working this heat but it’s even worse when we can’t see what we’re doing. So, keep the water coming and the dust down. Any questions?” None. “Good. Let’s fire up the iron and start moving pay dirt.”
This is the best part of the morning. Nothing like the sweet smell of burning diesel to get the blood pumping. My girl friend, Rita always bitched how I smelled like a petroleum plant. I’d slap her ass and tell her, “Honey, that’s the smell of money. If you don’t like, I’m sure I can find someone else who would appreciate it.”
* * *
I was on my tenth load of the day, hating each and every moment. I know Sam and Willie were doing the best they could keeping the grade wet, but it’s a losing battle. Even though each water wagon held five thousand gallons, the sun and dirt were soaking it up faster than they could drop it. Days like this always had me wondering why I’d accepted operator pay so quick. Oh, that’s right: gas, smokes and beer.
I lined up and began the next pass. I waited for Billy to set the blade against the rear bumper plate then shoot out a plume of black smoke or give me a wave to start. Guess he was feeling bored. Instead of giving the customary signs, when he made contact with the bumper he shifted up two gears and opened his engine up. Before I could yell out one cuss word, he’d jack-knifed my trailer. I hoped out jumping mad.
“You dumb son-of-a-bitch. What the hell’s the matter with you?”
His reply. He spit out a long string of chewing tobacco juice then gave me the finger.
“Yeah. Fuck you too, Billy!”
He smiled revealing maybe six, brown teeth.
“Quite your whining, boy.”
I climbed back in the open cab and straightened my rig up. I turned around, gave him the finger and dropped into gear. He responded in kind.
At the time, I didn’t think much about the minor depression and the white coloring of the clay I was approaching. Lot of times when we’re moving dirt, a rock formation will crop up or even a few discarded boulders got in the way and were crushed, causing the odd coloring.
I looked back at the paddles, watching the endless mounds of dirt climb up the ladder and fall into the bed.
I could tell I’d hit the patch of rock as the white material started climbing the ladder. And then it hit me. The smell. I threw the second it hit my nose.
I started waving for Billy to pull back. Didn’t need to. He’d stopped five yards ago and was puking out his lunch and chew.
We walked away from our units trying to figure out what the hell we’d hit. Before we got a chance to swap notes Daryl came barreling in our direction. He jumped out his truck mad as hell.
“What the hell you two morons doing? You think it’s time for a water break? The only break is going to be your tail bone when my boot hits your collective asses.”
The wind took a slight turn as he chewed us out. “I’ve had it with…” He threw up. “What the hell have you two done?”
“Boss,” I replied. “I don’t know. But it’s gotta be bad if Billy’s throwing up. Hell, I didn’t think anything could smell as bad as him.”
“Agree.” All three of us tried to force out a smile.
“Well, we need to see what you two uncovered. Before we do, let’s see what I’ve got to cover our noses.” The best he could come up with three oil rags covered in diesel.
We stared at him with apprehension.
“It’s this or brave it on your own.”
We didn’t ask any questions.
By this time, the other operators had shut down curious as to what was going on.
The three of us walked over to spot. The rags were helping but not one hundred percent.
“Jimmy. Turn off the paddles, lift the belly and move up about twenty yards. Billy. Once he’s pulled up, I want you to try and level off the spot.” We nodded and completed our tasks. I had it easier since the wind was blowing in my face. Billy and Daryl, not so much. They must have heaved two more times.
By this time, all the other guys were closing in to have a better look.
Daryl still couldn’t see what we’d found, so told Billy to get off the dozer. He’d do it himself. He circled around the spot so he’d have the wind as an ally. He moved over the spot, lowered the blade and backed up.
What came next still gives me nightmares. Two partially decomposed arms and a leg emerged from the ground.
* * *
This is only a rough draft. All thoughts and comments are appreciated.