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Tuesday, November 2, 2021

What do you do when there's nothing else to give? End it.


October 31st, 2021

My Life


          It has been anything but an easy ride. I, like many, have faced my share of disappoints and failures. To date, they far outweigh the brief moments of success I’ve enjoyed and that is sad. I’ve given everything to everyone I’ve known. When they were in need, I was there to help. When they needed care, I was there to help. When they needed guidance, I was there to help. It didn’t matter if it was money or personal healing, I was there to help.

          And now that I need the help, there is no one willing or able to lend a helping hand. Some would say, call on family or friends. I chose not to be a burden on my children. They should not be responsible for their father’s failures. Friends? They have no money or aren’t able to separate from it. Why? That’s not for me to know. Only God can answer that.  I’ve waited over forty years for the ship to be righted and just can’t bear it anymore. If he’s listening, he knows my heart and mind have been troubled for at least five years. While those around me excel in business and life, I plummet farther and farther into a dark abyss of depression and debt, with no way out.

          Do I carry on or should I end it? That is the question of the day. There’s an old saying that threes the charm. Well, here I am going broke and destitute for the third time, with no out on the horizon.

          I failed in marriage and business. I failed in being a stable father for my children. I’ve actually found myself trying to distance myself from them so they wouldn’t have to shoulder the pain or responsibility of taking care of their father. For how long would they have to support me? I have proven to myself over the last forty years, that for whatever reason, I will not be successful no matter how hard I work and try.

          I’ve been a faithful watcher of Joel Osteen for the last two years because of his emotionally uplifting messages. It has helped, but it hasn’t been long-lasting for me. No matter how hard I try and fight the demons inside, they choose to not go away. I am tired of fighting and fighting and fighting with no tangible results.

          Some have said, “get government money. Everyone else is.” That would only add to the humiliation of a sixty-one-year old’s life of failures. That is no way to live. 

          I haven’t always been this way. There was a time many years ago, when I was care free and happy. That was so long ago I forgot what it felt like and doubt, I will ever recapture that magic.

          No one said, life would be easy and I accepted that. I knew that with faith, hard work, diligence and perseverance, I would eventually succeed. I do not think that anymore. I think of those who I helped get jobs, pay their bills, comfort them in times of sorrow. I was more than happy to do it, but when does karma return the favor? I do not know and am to the point I don’t care. I just can’t take the disappointment in myself anymore! I can no longer give what I do not possess even though people around me keep asking.

          While my friends are retiring or preparing to retire and enjoy the fruits of their labors, of which they deserve, I only see a dwindling bank account and financial ruin again.

          My health has slowly but surely deteriorated, against my best efforts to get right. I am in need of dental work, that I can’t afford. I’m on Medicaid, that’s right, Medicaid, that’s for the poor(!)’ because of my pathetic earnings over the last five years. This is no way to live. I have a rent payment coming up the first of November, I won’t be able to pay and it’s only $595.00. What is sad is when I look back at all the unpaid loans I provided people or the money I was beat out of over the years due to poor business practices, incompetent attorneys, etc. to the tune of just under $500K! Again, no matter how hard I fought and was prepared, it didn’t mean a damn thing. I lost!

          I apologize to my children, Shawn, Savanna and Justin for not being stronger for they will have to deal with the aftermath and the ceremony, if there is one, of which I have no money to help with. There is no life insurance or funeral policy, for I have no money to pay for it. Again, what a pathetic legacy I have for myself! Debt, debt and more debt. I feel I have given all and it will never be repaid, so what is the point of going forward? I can think of nothing.

          Not long ago, my son Justin, called me his pillar. If he only knew the truth. My foundation must have been made of sand for I can longer shoulder the load. Son, I tried. Believe me, I tried. I just can’t do it anymore. The same can be said of my daughter and other son. I know they looked up to me and were always calling for advice and guidance, of which I gladly supplied, but after a time, I can no longer do it. I cannot carry the burdens of others when I can’t even deal with my own. For that, I’m sorry.

          When I’m gone, I hope you will be able to rely on each other and not blame each other for not knowing what was going on with your father’s mental health. There was no way you could have known. Why? Because children should not have to bear their parent’s crosses. It is supposed to be the opposite. I just can’t do it anymore, it’s that simple.

          To my grandchildren that I know, Colleen, Leah, and Danny, I’m sorry I failed you. You also, have done nothing wrong. It is I that failed you.

          Ever wonder why I didn’t attend birthdays, softball games etc. Siple. I didn’t have the money for gas and why should I show up when I have nothing to bring? I was embarrassed to show up, eat and go, and leave nothing for anyone. No gifts, no smile, nothing.  I noticed the looks a couple of times when that happened and just couldn’t bare the humiliation anymore.

          To Jessica and Amanda Larson, I look forward to seeing your mother soon. I know she’s very proud of the path you two have chosen and the impact you will have on the world. It was an honor getting to know you two as we all came together to care for your mother in her final months. You two, are not to blame for this. It all falls on me and no one else.

          To my parents, you did what you could with what you had to work with, which at times, wasn’t much.

          Ten years ago, I made a short video, reciting the first chapter of “Why Did Everything Happen.” I received multiple calls from friends wanting to makes sure I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. Perhaps that was prophetic. Perhaps I was putting off the inevitable. Perhaps I was laying the groundwork for this moment. I will only know the answer to that question if I’m able to follow through on what I see as the only out. Perhaps.

          Some reading this might not believe my thoughts are real. That’s fine. We are all entitled to our own opinions. The only one that has to believe this is the one writing it.

          In conclusion, I apologize to my children and those who knew me that I was such a disappointment. I did the best I could, but it wasn’t good enough for me, and that’s all that matters.

          Perhaps enough money will be raised to cover my final expenses. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see a way out. I didn’t have the guts to do this back in ’94 when I lost everything, but today is different. You are all grown and have started your own families and are enjoying a success I only dreamed of. That makes me a proud father. What doesn’t make me proud is having to ask for help and being a dismal failure.

          If I go through with this, I hope you three and God, will be able to me forgive.

 Your Father


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